It’s the little things

I take the bus almost everyday, and there is this one spot in town that is always under some stage of road construction. Week to week, cars are redirected this way and that in order to accommodate the work that is being done.

Today, I was bumping along on the bus, staring out the window as we together entered this construction area. A stoplight glowed about half of a block ahead of us, and a white van that was driving in front of the bus turned into what was once a turning lane. What that driver was unaware of was that the turning lane had since been designated as a new lane for oncoming traffic.

The light ahead turned green, and oncoming cars approached the van. It all happened in a matter of seconds. My bus driver, in the correct lane of traffic but still behind the white van, slammed on the horn in warning. The van reacted – swerving quickly back in front of the bus, and just barely missing a terrible collision with oncoming traffic.

A couple of seconds passed, and from the back of the bus, I saw my bus driver throw up a very casual peace sign in response to a thank-you wave from the white van.

I liked that.

Not a wave, not a nod – a peace sign.

“Deuces.”

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When someone saves a person’s life and then just casually throws up some deuces.

Living and Learning and Loving and Growing

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I know you’ll never see this, so it’s safe for me to say that I miss you sometimes.

These days, more often than not, it’s more like I just really wonder how you’re doing. How life’s treating you and how you’re treating it. Have things gotten better for you? How is your family? How do you feel? Are you happy?

But I don’t stay with these thoughts for too long. Before, I couldn’t help it. But now I can. So I don’t.

I see almost every day the lasting effect you had on me. I’m not saying there weren’t good, beautiful moments in our time together, but they were always in between some big blow out, some big scandal, or some thoughtless action. And now I haven’t spoken to you in months or seen you in person in almost a year, but you’re still with me in little things. Little big things. Like how I look at myself in the mirror. My appearance, my weight, all of it.

Yesterday I was driving on the interstate when I had what was very similar to a heart attack. My heart beat was uncontrollable, my eyes felt like they were dilated, my ears felt tingly and my head felt airy, my hands were shaking pretty badly and my legs started to feel strange too. There was a moment that I definitely had the thought, “Should I be calling 911?” It was terrifying, and it lasted on and off for over an hour.

When I finally got to my destination, the woman I was going to see dropped everything to take care of me, to reassure me, to calm me down. We had a long conversation about what was happening, why it was happening, and it didn’t take long for me to start crying.

I’m going to jump to the point. My heart went crazy because of these pills I started taking. I started taking the pills for a number of reasons, but I bet you more than anything, you were somewhere down there at the root. You, your standards, the lies you thought it’d be okay to build my trust on, and the way I felt like I’d never be enough for you no matter how much you told me I would be.

And it’s not worth a heart attack. It’s not worth that fear.

So I still love you, a lot, because apparently I can’t help that, and there is a lot in you to love. Honestly. So I hope you’re doing well. I hope you’re living and learning and loving and growing like I have in the last 5 months, but I think I’m going to spend a little less time hoping that you’re okay and a little more time making sure that I am.

If we meet again in the future, maybe you’re right about this Kismet thing. But kismet or not, I’m going to love myself first. Nothing is going to get in the way of that.

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INFJ#2 “I’m not mad” and other topics on anger:

Perfect INFJ contradiction:

INFJ’s can’t STAND it when people don’t communicate their feelings of anger, especially if it is directed at them.

If you are angry, tell me WHY and then we can go from there! kPassive aggressive makes an INFJ’s skin crawl, and they’d rather be hurt by harsh, unplanned words (and deal with that temporary pain) rather than watch someone pout or pretend not to be mad when they clearly are. An INFJ pet peeve might be the good old passive aggressive pouty phrase: “I’m not mad!”

Remember, INFJ’s are acutely sensitive to the turmoil of other people — meaning that INFJ’s can both pick up on people’s unexpressed emotions as well as find their own mood altered by those emotions. This goes for a wide range of feelings, but especially negative ones. So, INFJ’s will want to resolve that anger that they sense in other people, especially if it directed at them, both to restore the peace in the relationship, and also to calm the inner alarms that are going off.

An INFJ will act according to each person who they are dealing with. If the person is stuck in denial of their anger and seems to somehow be enjoying dragging out the anger process, INFJ’s will try to spur gentle reminders of love and happiness, without being direct. They will do this until the person cracks a smile, which the INFJ totally catches, and the conflict reaches an unspoken resolution, free of anyone’s embarrassment. Phew, exhausting work, but the INFJ will wear themselves out to get it right. (If it goes too far though, the INFJ will essentially wipe their hands clean and let the person mope if they want to. INFJ ain’t about to grovel.)

If the INFJ knows that the person just wants to scream at them but personally needs some kind of trigger or permission in order to do so, the INFJ will purposefully trigger the other person. This may either happen in some planned way, or the INFJ will simply say something along the lines of, “Please just talk to me. I know I messed up, tell me how. I won’t be mad, I just want to listen.”

(It should be noted that this is the preferred way. However, it will be hard for the INFJ to embrace the criticism. They will keep their promise, though! They won’t get mad – at least not in a way visible to the outside world.) Which leads to the contradiction…

When INFJ’s get mad at someone, they might do that exact thing: go quiet, maybe a bit of sulking, definitely withdrawn.

(Note: if the person messed up just a little, they’ll get just a tiny little taste of the silent treatment. This serves 2 purposes. First, it gives just the tiniest clue that the INFJ’s feelings are hurt without the INFJ having to say anything. A simple apology should do the trick. Second, the INFJ actually does need a little bit of time to personally recover in oooorder to get back out there and continue liking/loving the person. So if space is needed, give space. Hug later, aka after space. But if the person messed up big time, like with trust or something, omg good luck. INFJ is about to whoop your a**.)

They might even toss out the phrase that they hate so much to hear: “I’m not mad.” Partly, it’s to try to convince themselves, but it’s mostly because they need the other person to work their butt off to make amends. INFJ’s want a giant “I AM SO SORRY AND I STILL CARE” sign, but not a literal one. They want to feel that genuinely from the other person.

To fix this, the INFJ is going to need a lot of genuine apologizing and signs of deep care/love/affection. (I seriously emphasize both genuine and deep since the INFJ will call your b.s. instantly and you’ll be back to square one ASAP, or even negative one.)

Most of all, they will just need the constant assurance that you’ll never make that mistake again. Depending on how big the mistake was and/or how many times it has been made before, the INFJ may or may not take you back into their lives. But don’t worry, if the INFJ is still somehow communicating with you after a couple of days — passive aggressively or not — you are still completely and entirely in their “Keep” list. If the INFJ has stopped talking to you all together or has verbalized that they very seriously do not want to see you again, I’m really sorry, but you must have messed up in a major way. Best of luck, but most of all, never do it again.

I hope this is in some way validating/reassuring/explanatory to people out there.

As an INFJ myself, I know it’s something I wish more people would understand about me. MOST of all though, OVER EVERYTHING, we just want the love and cuddles and positive words of affirmation. We don’t like being mad! We don’t like it when other people are mad! We want everyone to be happy, which is probably more of a human thing than an INFJ thing. Haha okay, great plan then. Hugs all the way.

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all gifs from giphy.com

There’s always that one girl at the party

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there’s always that one girl at the party

To understand what this even is and why I’m bringing it up, check it: earlier point of reference! ๐Ÿ™‚

I found this picture after mentioning how my dog and I work as a team when she knows she has to throw up. (Mostly, she starts gagging and I run her the f**k over to the nearest door to go outside, or, as you can see, to the nearest toilet.)

I was going to try to recreate this picture in some kind of drawing, but just one look at that little doggy expression and I shook my head. Nope, can’t do it. That face is too real. That face is too funny. Nothing that I could try to make would do it justice.

So apparently Daisy (aka Lou, aka Baby Butt, aka Shooga, akakakaka – ) isn’t super great with broccoli.

I sent this picture to my sister and she sent it back with the caption, there’s always that one girl at the party. Lol, that’s the truth. But I’ve always been an expert hair-holder, so it’s all good ๐Ÿ™‚

Love u daisyyyyy

 

Jessica Day IRL

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I found real life Jessica Day. And she’s my Elements of Art teacher. The quote that gave me hope, “Fun fact, it took me 8 years to graduate from undergrad.”

That little tid-bit gave me so much comfort. First, if she can survive 8 years, and even then still pursue a masters, then I can survive the next year and a half. Second, hell yes, I love it when people interfere with our rigid social expectations of what “education” and “work” should be. It’s people like her that make it easier for younger people in the future to pursue what’s right for them, not simply what’s prescribed by others.