INFJ#2 “I’m not mad” and other topics on anger:

Perfect INFJ contradiction:

INFJ’s can’t STAND it when people don’t communicate their feelings of anger, especially if it is directed at them.

If you are angry, tell me WHY and then we can go from there! kPassive aggressive makes an INFJ’s skin crawl, and they’d rather be hurt by harsh, unplanned words (and deal with that temporary pain) rather than watch someone pout or pretend not to be mad when they clearly are. An INFJ pet peeve might be the good old passive aggressive pouty phrase: “I’m not mad!”

Remember, INFJ’s are acutely sensitive to the turmoil of other people — meaning that INFJ’s can both pick up on people’s unexpressed emotions as well as find their own mood altered by those emotions. This goes for a wide range of feelings, but especially negative ones. So, INFJ’s will want to resolve that anger that they sense in other people, especially if it directed at them, both to restore the peace in the relationship, and also to calm the inner alarms that are going off.

An INFJ will act according to each person who they are dealing with. If the person is stuck in denial of their anger and seems to somehow be enjoying dragging out the anger process, INFJ’s will try to spur gentle reminders of love and happiness, without being direct. They will do this until the person cracks a smile, which the INFJ totally catches, and the conflict reaches an unspoken resolution, free of anyone’s embarrassment. Phew, exhausting work, but the INFJ will wear themselves out to get it right. (If it goes too far though, the INFJ will essentially wipe their hands clean and let the person mope if they want to. INFJ ain’t about to grovel.)

If the INFJ knows that the person just wants to scream at them but personally needs some kind of trigger or permission in order to do so, the INFJ will purposefully trigger the other person. This may either happen in some planned way, or the INFJ will simply say something along the lines of, “Please just talk to me. I know I messed up, tell me how. I won’t be mad, I just want to listen.”

(It should be noted that this is the preferred way. However, it will be hard for the INFJ to embrace the criticism. They will keep their promise, though! They won’t get mad – at least not in a way visible to the outside world.) Which leads to the contradiction…

When INFJ’s get mad at someone, they might do that exact thing: go quiet, maybe a bit of sulking, definitely withdrawn.

(Note: if the person messed up just a little, they’ll get just a tiny little taste of the silent treatment. This serves 2 purposes. First, it gives just the tiniest clue that the INFJ’s feelings are hurt without the INFJ having to say anything. A simple apology should do the trick. Second, the INFJ actually does need a little bit of time to personally recover in oooorder to get back out there and continue liking/loving the person. So if space is needed, give space. Hug later, aka after space. But if the person messed up big time, like with trust or something, omg good luck. INFJ is about to whoop your a**.)

They might even toss out the phrase that they hate so much to hear: “I’m not mad.” Partly, it’s to try to convince themselves, but it’s mostly because they need the other person to work their butt off to make amends. INFJ’s want a giant “I AM SO SORRY AND I STILL CARE” sign, but not a literal one. They want to feel that genuinely from the other person.

To fix this, the INFJ is going to need a lot of genuine apologizing and signs of deep care/love/affection. (I seriously emphasize both genuine and deep since the INFJ will call your b.s. instantly and you’ll be back to square one ASAP, or even negative one.)

Most of all, they will just need the constant assurance that you’ll never make that mistake again. Depending on how big the mistake was and/or how many times it has been made before, the INFJ may or may not take you back into their lives. But don’t worry, if the INFJ is still somehow communicating with you after a couple of days — passive aggressively or not — you are still completely and entirely in their “Keep” list. If the INFJ has stopped talking to you all together or has verbalized that they very seriously do not want to see you again, I’m really sorry, but you must have messed up in a major way. Best of luck, but most of all, never do it again.

I hope this is in some way validating/reassuring/explanatory to people out there.

As an INFJ myself, I know it’s something I wish more people would understand about me. MOST of all though, OVER EVERYTHING, we just want the love and cuddles and positive words of affirmation. We don’t like being mad! We don’t like it when other people are mad! We want everyone to be happy, which is probably more of a human thing than an INFJ thing. Haha okay, great plan then. Hugs all the way.

drama
all gifs from giphy.com
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An INFJ gets totally side-tracked:

I think it is to some degree normal to become highly introspective at night, perhaps at least in comparison to the rest of the day.

Tonight I can’t sleep again, but thankfully this time it is not because of haunting, jeering thoughts that snap around like rubber bands in my head. That kind of insomnia was horrible and followed me for the better chunk of the last fall semester… No, thankfully I don’t experience that anymore. Tonight, I’m just not tired.

Enter introspective thoughts: I’m an INFJ according to the Myers Briggs (personality) Type Indicator. I’m majoring in psychology and have always had a weak spot for even the fluffiest of personality quizzes, so this Myers Briggs test – a psychologically supported personality quiz – is, like, crack for me.

Furthermore, when I studied up on what INFJ’s are all about (how they think, feel, function, etc.), I was completely blown away by how accurate it all was. I mean absolutely on the nose. And mind you, I can tell when these tests are a load of crap (but like juicy crap..?)

tarsier
(Me)
dog
(Not me)

For example: Buzzfeed, I’m sorry, I’m just not a dog. Fox? I could see that. Tarsier? Maybe even more so, but I’m not a dog.

I digress.

But for the sake of your own self-love and personal validation, I implore you to take this test. There is a free version online if you google “16 personalities”, or, wait…what am I doing? I’m a millennial; I can just do it for you. Look, here’s a link: dooo ittt. (Also this is definitely not a paid promotion thing. I have like 2 followers lol. I really just care.)

Eeesh, wow this post has taken such a detour. I seem to have ditched my thesis statement before I could even get to the bit where I was going to state it. I promise my writing isn’t usually this bad.

You see, what was once going to be a release of my introspective thoughts about INFJ’s and what that means and all of that jazz, has turnedย  quickly into a plea (essentially) for you to take this life altering incredibly validating, positive step in the direction of knowing and loving and understanding yourself better – or perhaps if you already understand yourself well, better communicating about yourself to others – quiz.. (Do a word count of that last sentence, add a point for every time it meandered, and then add it up. That is how much I wish people would learn more about themselves.)

Because this post was frighteningly disjointed and incoherent (or maybe that’s just how it feels in my head?), I’m just gonna go ahead and preemptively apologize. However, I am excited to explore more about these different personality types, as well as my own INFJ type. There’s at least one more post about this that you’re bound to see at some point, since that was what this post was originally going to be about (again, my bad). I’m just gonna slam my head on the keyboard now and try to sleep off these scatterbrained last few minutes. I’m always interested in what people have to say about these things though, so let me know if you have any thoughts about your personality type, and holler at me if you’re an INFJ too!

Haha, alright y’all. Goodnight ๐Ÿ™‚

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